The other night I had a beautiful conversation with my mom about my experience here in Oxford thus far. Of the many realizations I had during that conversation, the most poignant was that my mom has a beautifully sensative heart, to which God often speaks. Yet what is so incredible is that I feel that she has passed on that sensativity to me. At times, this has gotten me into trouble, as I have given my heart to certain people and gotten it back in an injured state. But God also seems to tug at it in certain times, quietly reminding me that He is around, and has a purpose for my life, though I have to seek it out. What's more encouraging is that my mom seems to be experiencing the same themes in her life. She, though with much more wisdom and experience, must also seek God's plan for her life.
My roommates and I often sit around, taking a break from our studies or just procrastinating, and ponder the tough questions of life. Though we all come from different backgrounds and often approach things at different angles, there are a few things we agree on. One of those things that we unanimously agree on is the notion that it is dangerous to have everything figured out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we shouldn't have fundamental beliefs in certain things, even if we know it takes a leap of faith to get there. We all seem to agree on the fact that life is not just a checklist, and once you've filled in all the blanks, crossed the t's and dotted the i's you can check out and be happy.
That's what I love about my mom. She graciously shows me that the adventure of life is in the searching. It's like a never ending scavenger hunt, where we find new items, and put them into our arsenal, all the while looking for more new and exciting pieces. It's only when we look back that we can see how the pieces fit together. But there are no corner pieces to this puzzle, the picture keeps getting bigger and more beautiful.
When we were on the phone, I was so impressed how my mom felt safe with being vulnerable to me. She has been in, and will be, a few situations that put her out of her comfort zone. Yet she softly and confidently told me how God's grace is sufficient for her every need and that maybe she needs this time of vulnerability for God to work in her heart.
I love my mom dearly, and I am honored that she would be so open with me. But perhaps she knew that sharing with me would open my eyes to this time of vulnerability in my own heart. Maybe Oxford has been somewhat of a wilderness period for me, where I am to seek answers to the questions in my own heart. I'll end with a quote from C.S. Lewis that seems to describe it in not-so-complicated terms. "Further up and further in".
