It's about 3:30 in the morning, and I am finding myself awake and in deep thought for the second or third night in a row. Earlier this week, I was thinking about the verse in Romans that talks about how all things work for the good of those who love God, and who are in his purpose. I felt especially impressed by this after some difficult discussions with a friend at home, and a rough transition from dropping one class and picking up another, that there were some redemptive process that pulled me through. In the end, things turned out better than I expected.
Yet I was mistaken to proudly accept this turn of events as an act of God's sovereignty without looking at my own reactions. Now I see that this redemptive process was God's grace, and that I, lacking enough humility to see that, attributed it instead to a reward for my trust in Him. I don't think this is how it works. As I look at this passage again, I think that more importance is placed on the purpose.
My sister took this picture when we were hiking on the cliffs of Dover, which overlook the English Channel. To me, it sort of represents an ideal picture of the type of man that I want to be. I seem adventurous, standing tall and firm, in front of the sparkling sea. And yet, I know I am not that man. Maybe a part of it lives within me. It is probably the same part that enjoys the walks (when I force myself to get up early enough) in the meadow by my house. When I feel free to have conversations with the Creator of the meadow, as if He is walking beside me . Maybe Jessie sees that potential, and God has that version of me within His purposes.
There is a scene in Braveheart where young Willam Wallace's father turns to him and says "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." Deep down, that's what I want to do. My family has been so supportive in cheering me on, and telling me that they're proud of me and that they love me. Jessie sends me devotional emails about how she danced like David did, unabashed and wholeheartedly in worship. Right now, Dad and Jessie are on a plane to Thailand, pursuing their dreams. What will it take to pursue my dreams? What will it take to pursue His purpose? Do I have the courage to do so?